Cold Blooded

When I was a child, my mom would often tell me I had a cold heart. My hands and feet were often cold, even on tropical Guam. She has always been superstitious; in the attempt to cure me of my “cold heart” I was given many chicken hearts to eat. Whenever we killed a chicken, she cooked it up and told everyone the heart was reserved for me. I grew to like the taste but not the stigma of being a dead person walking on the face of the earth. My interests and hobbies as a budding scientist of sorts probably exacerbated her beliefs. I spent many hours catching grasshoppers, geckos, spiders, land crabs and other critters, dissecting them and trying to figure them out. I did go on the study biology in college and never told her of all the other things I had to cut up.

I mention this bit of history because her words have been akin to a mild curse. I’ve always been told I’m as tough as nails; I’m efficient to the point of robotic (esp. at work) and downright unfeeling. I admit I am not one to show much physical affection to friends and to family but I believe I am a very loyal friend, sister, daughter, cousin, aunt and wife. My parents never hugged my sisters or I very much, they never told us they loved us, but they were dedicated to us, they were hard workers and good parents. Should I assume they did not love us? I have never thought that. I never thought they did not have feelings. With all this background I guess I am attempting to prove to myself and to those around me that I can feel, I do feel and today I am sad.

A tragic thing happened to my family on August 11th. After a long battle with cancer the resilient, loyal, very intelligent, strong, husband of my mother passed away. He was buried with military honors in a small ceremony on Guam this past weekend. Now that the funeral is over, I wanted to take a few moments to remember him. (The last time I experienced the loss of someone I knew and loved, it took me a year to face it.) He was an honorable man, he showed my mom the world (from China to Scotland), he was patient with her, he showed her a few new tricks and adored her truly. I will miss our talks and his sweet tooth.